Tanyarghh

I haven't been on deviantart for a while. For all my followers I apologise about that. I have found with working, travelling, couch surfing and generaly drifting around, I have become a bit more into tumblr. Mostly because I have been writing things more than drawing. And I am ashamed about that.

I have drawn some really wonderful things, don't get me wrong, but they left my possession pretty much immediately after I made them. I didn't even get a chance to scan them. I don't really mind so much, I kinda wanted only the recipitant to see them and that's all.

As for my paintings, HA! What paintings. I haven't completed anything in a while. Don't really have the time/motivation to actually paint anything.

I have been working and floating around mostly. Very productive things I know.

I honestly don't have many other interesting things to report. Everyone who really follows what I write in my journals follows me on tumblr where I rant a little bit more I suppose. Here I want to keep it mostly art. SHUSH I KNOW I HAVEN'T BEEN MAKING ANY!

Tomorrow I have two plans. I am going to shave off my hair. And I am going to make art. I will post pictures of both hopefully. I have been so slack with timelines as of lately. I was dissapointed that today was Tuesday and not actually Thursday at all. I don't know how I managed to get so disorientated. This is what happens when I have a break between working. But oh well.

SO YES
TOMORROW
TWO THINGS
Can we get that done? Perhaps we can. I am not sure. I will try.

AND if I do I will post pictures of both. Promise. IF I get it done.
Now don't you guys go jumping on me if I dont. If I don't I didn't succeed in my mission. And most likely was sleeping and playing on the internet all day. Ok? Ok.

So today is Valentines day. As you may have noticed.
I have been listening to music all day.
My laptop was my valentine. And together we made passionate love to the internet all day.
Sexual.

I am getting kind of bored of today so I will go to bed.
Then get bored of bed and probably come back here.
I really cannot wait for college to start again so I don't keep bumbling around doing nothing as I have been.

Happy Valentines day peeps.
Love you guys
xx

It is christmas eve today.

I am home alone blasting music on the speakers and drinking coffee in the sun. I am actually feeling content in this moment.

More art will be done soon, but for now I think I will enjoy this moment.

-default christmas message-

Time for a new journal entry, this would be the shortest time between journal entries in my whole two years I have been on Deviantart!
I just decided the previous one is far too melancholy for my liking, and that my deviantart account will be a place for my artworks, rather than a place for my rants.
Don't get me wrong I feel I do need to rant! I have so many thoughts I feel my head is about to explode, so hence I made a tumblr account and I am quite amused by the entire thing

Anyway I have been chilling all afternoon drinking beers, avoiding heavily populated shopping centres on the lead up to x-mas, and watching my best friend smash himself in Gran Turismo 5. Ouch he just crashes his SLS into a wall. *shudders*

You know what tomorrow i am going to do something productive. Maybe roll up my sleeves or eat an orange.
The weather currently is appalling so I guess going horse riding is out of the question. Disappointing, but I guess I can still visit.

Anyway I won't say too much today, just that anyone who is friends with me on facebook may have noticed that I have deleted it. I am trying to stay off facebook until after the fiendish holiday festivites. If anyone actually wants to know what I am up to, follow me here or on my tumblr which is here:
tanyarghh.tumblr.com/

Warning though, it does involve a bit of a look into my mind, so things may get a bit gruesome in there!

I have typed half of this journal entry without looking at the screen, are you impressed? I was watching my friends replay on the tv. Oh god it was shocking.

Wait wait wait what was that? Something is calling me...

Bed.

If I was Tanya what would I say about the current state of my life?
Well guess what guys it appears I am Tanya, so I guess I can say something about it. Perhaps.

I have finished college for the year, it got freakishly difficult and trying to work through break-ups, ridiculous amounts of college work, not having one place to live and having clinical depression really was a task. I managed to finish though, with pretty good marks if you ask me. Some of my works managed to get into the show reel too and all that jazz. I am very impressed with myself and my class.

What else do I have to say?
I don't often talk about myself, so I get confused as to what to say.

My horse just recently had a foal, Nutmeg, she is so absolutely beautiful, she looks like her mother! Almost identical actually, was a bit of a difficult birth, the foal was upside down and if the vet wasn't there in time we would of lost both Cimarron and Nutmeg, and that is a really terrible thing. I will upload pictures of her soon I think. She is so cute your head will explode into candy several times.

Hmmm.

I just went through and re-read all my journal entries from back when I first started Deviantart. It's interesting to see how much my life has changed since then. In some ways for the better, in some ways absolutely shocking.
I know my deviantart isnt all that anonymous, considering 'Tanyarghh' is how you find me everywhere, but I seem to say a lot of things on here that I don't ever say to anyone. Just somewhere to share my thoughts I guess.
I guess not many people who know me in the real world know of this account so I feel safe talking to my friends here.

I met some really amazing people I guess. I have some really wonderful new friends. I love them all to bits, and I enjoy their company, even though some of them really really mess with my head.

You know what. FUCK IT.
I am going to rant. Because it is what I do!
And if you have an issue with it then stop reading fool!


Right now I am on some stupid crazy slope. My moodswings are shocking, and when I crash, I crash so hard. I feel like i am in this destructive mode, where I am avoiding my own problems by dealing with other peoples problems. And suddenly I look back and realise I have invested so much in other people I have nothing left to look after myself. I dont even know how to start.

Now that college is over I have a lot of time. With that time I have been partying a lot. I have off my face a lot. But now that college is over, I feel like i Have no purpose anymore. I have nothing to do with my life. Hence me trying to get a job and move to the city. I kind of want to, then again I dont really want to? I dont know that doesn't really make sense. I just mean I want to move out, something needs to change in my life, but Sydney is just. So. Toxic.

I try to escape my reality and hide in the lives of others, but I always this constant strain, knowing that this happiness is merely borrowed and I would have to return to my own mind. I don't like it in there. I want to be out of my mind, so far out of it that  I never have to deal with me again.

So yeah I get that I am nice and all that, people say that I am. I really do want to be a nice person, but I hate how that opens me up to being pushed around like a bitch. Problem is, I am only nice to people I really care about, and when I get pushed around by people I really care about I will take it, and I will take it with a smile.

Right now I have so much to say, to so many people, and I can't. It feels like I have cut myself off from any other connection with people apart from friendship. I was so scared from my last relationship. I really had no idea that a heart could be broken as badly as that. It still hurts, and I think it always will, but I swear I am trying to move on. I am trying so SO hard. I even met someone, who has made me smile more than anyone else has in a long time, someone who I feel is kindred to myself. And now, I feel because of my emotional fuctardedness, I have lost them to someone else.

What. The. Fuck.

Good has to come out of the new year though. It really sounds like one of my previous journal entries. I was hoping that 2011 would be better than 2010, when it in fact turned out to be much much worse. I have never felt so low in my entire life to be honest.
OPTIMISM!
So yes 2012 must be good. It has to be. Or I SWEAR TO GOD some bitch is gonna die!

Hahah ok ok ok calm down now.
I am sorry for going a bit nutty like this. I will take it down once i have something good to say ok?
I just really needed to say what was in my head.
Thanks to the guys who actually read this.

I honestly love this art community, not many people in real world appreciate my subjective emotional expressions, but there will always be someone here on da that is willing to whinge with me.

Anyway I will do some artworks and show you guys. If you have read this far you deserve it!

Bones is on now, I am goign to watch that and draw.
Goodnight to all and to all goodnight!
xx